Single Motherhood

Today is Mother's Day as we all know.  For some reason, this year I'm feeling particularly emotional about it.  As you all know I'm a single mom.  As in, a single mom by true definition. (Someone who raises her child entirely on her own, dad is non-existent: aka, single parenthood.)  It certainly hasn't been easy but it definitely has been rewarding.

I've had to fight for everything over the years.  Society is not kind to women in general and it is even more unkind to single mothers.  Single mothers with special needs children? Forget it!!  We are invisible to the world.  My son is only seen because I scream. A. Lot.  If I didn't, he'd be lost in the shuffle: no insurance, no services, and no where near where he is today.  He would still be a non-verbal, increasingly aggressive child.

I had to fight my way through college for my BA in Arts, then more recently for my MEd in Special Education.  I had to fight for every job I had and then fight to keep it.  As a single mom I can't just call dad in to help.  I am my own reinforcements.  I have to do it all on my own.  The kiddo gets sick at school?  It's me leaving work to pick him up.  As a woman I get paid less.  Imagine trying to pay your bills on a single, small income.  Getting a second job was a thought but never a reality.  Why?  Because when you have a special needs child, you just can't do it.  Someone has to fight for services.  Someone has to do the leg work.  Someone has to be home to care for him.  There is no tag team to happen here.  Once again, I'm left on my own. 

I would think that dating when you have typical children is hard enough.  But dating when you have a child with the complex needs that our kiddos have?  It's laughable.  With how special needs families split at such a high rate, how can our dating lives be successful?  The more care your child requires, the less time you have to focus on anything else.  Hell, you don't even have time to spend on yourself...  The balance is a hard one to find and keep.  Someone to watch the kiddo?  Can you hear me laughing yet?  On the upside, less than quality guys get weeded out reeeeeeallly quick. ;)

I make just over the limit for welfare.  Due to a loophole, a freaking LOOPHOLE, my son kept health insurance.  I often go without, making any doctor's appointments out of pocket expenses for me.  I didn't even qualify for the recent Obamacare stuff.  I made too little for it but too much for Medicaid.  I was even fined for it on my taxes this year.  Money I could have used to pay for my medical costs or care of my son, the IRS took as a fine...  Once again, we fell in the cracks.

There's a huge societal stigma on single motherhood still.  If my son does something unexpected or "wrong" then I'm to blame. Society blames it on the fact that he's being raised by a single mom.  Surely I can't raise him properly. (/snark)  They even blame me for his list of diagnosis.  (Yes, this crap seriously exists.) The attitudes I get from people are mind-boggling.

Fight. Fight. Fight. Fight. Fight.  That's all I do.  I fight for his rights.  I fight for my rights.  I fight against the stigma of being a single mom.  I fight for our ability to just live.

But you know what?

I wouldn't change a damn thing about it.  Nothing.

I love being a single mom.  It has taught us the real value of things in life.  We appreciate what little we have.  We appreciate our time together.  We actually SPEND time together.  We don't care about money or trinkets or the latest and greatest vacation.  We appreciate the beach just a mile from our house.  We appreciate the parks we can visit.  We appreciate visiting family and friends and just hanging out.  We have a love for life and the ability to actually enjoy it.  For us, the little things do matter.  (And hell, I don't even have to argue with anyone else about what I do with him or where I take him! BONUS! ;) Haha!)

For me, everything is two-fold.  Yes, the bad is as well but really I focus on the good.  Every achievement feels twice as good.  Every battle won is cause for celebration.  Every goal we surpass is defining. 

My son understands the value of love.  What it means to love someone.  Truly love.  And he is joyous, caring, nurturing, and frankly one of the best souls out there.  You won't see this child talk back to me.  You won't see him order me around.  You won't see him disrespect me or anyone else.  Something I see and am the recipient of on a daily basis as a teacher...  This is one of the best reflections you can have on you as a parent: a respectful, caring child.

Despite all of society's ignorance, this single mom (and many like me) are doing one hell of a bang up job raising beautiful children who will become amazing adults.  We defy the odds.  We are strong women who will never give up on making our children's dreams come true.  Society gives us barriers with a broken system stacked against us.  We don't take "no" for an answer.

We push through.  Here's to all the single moms (and dads!!) out there keeping up the good fight!

No Island Here...

There is an article floating about from HuffPo about things that an Autism parent will never say. (You can see it here.)  At first I didn’t really know what to make of it. I still really don’t.  In the article it talked about how stressful raising an Autistic child is and how lonely.  It said parents are peacekeepers from everyone to the family to school to complete strangers.  It claims we are isolated as parents of Autistic children.  It talks about hurtful comments.

It gives the impression that it is all inclusive, that all parents feel that way.

I don’t.

Maybe I don’t have guilt over meeting my son’s needs because I only have him.  I am able to devote my time to him without “worrying” over “unfair” treatment to siblings.  My issue with this claim is really simple: empirical research suggests otherwise.  Research shows that NT siblings are enriched by their lives with their SN sibling, not hampered by it. They are more open and understanding of those who are disabled and more likely to help their peers.  They also harbor no ill will towards their SN sibling for any reason.  Imagine that: NT siblings of SN children RECOGNIZE that they are simply different in what they need and support how things happen at home. They get it and understand it. They also often grow up to help support their siblings in their adult life, making sure they have what they need.  So, why would parents need to harbor this “guilt”?

I’m not a peacekeeper. I don’t try to make everyone happy nor do I care to. I don’t have the time or energy for that. Frankly, I don’t give a rat’s arse what some stranger in the supermarket thinks of us. It doesn’t really affect me if they are that shallow and judgey. We don’t know them. It’s a reflection of them and their character, not us or ours. Our life will go on as usual. I don’t “try not to look bothered.” I’m NOT bothered.  I also will not be a peacekeeper at school. That’s just straight up push-over nonsense.  I will not allow ANYONE to walk all over me. I will not appease them to make them happy. It’s their task to make me happy. Plain and simple. If your school isn’t making you happy, get a lawyer, learn your rights. I also don’t try to keep peace in my family or with my friends. If they can’t respect my views and how I do things, then we will spend our time with someone who accepts us as we are. We won’t be run over by anyone because they are “offended” or upset by something we do. (Thankfully this isn’t anything I really have to deal with.)

Maybe that author is isolated, but I sure as hell am not.  You see, I put effort into my relationships with family and friends to maintain them and keep their value.  Do I compromise myself in the process? No. Just read my last paragraph.  For every one person who has dropped out of our lives we have gained 10 or more who are more than happy to share our lives. My friends and family have all done what they can to learn about my son so that they can support us however they can. We have some real people of value in our lives. I have also found my way into a larger community of people who share my experiences and are also raising an Autistic child (or 2).  I have never felt isolated.  I never will. I also don’t like the author’s assumption that my son isn’t part of the social world. He has friends. He loves people. He’ll chat the ear off anyone he knows. He plays with and shares interests with his friends at school.  We are also very close. We are not “isolated” as if we are two strangers living in the same house. My son will find a way to talk to me.  Communication is not always speech. He’ll write. He’ll draw. He’ll create. He tells me everything. Sorry, no isolation or lack of social interaction here.

Do I hear stupid things in regards to my son being Autistic? Sure. But it’s a teachable moment. Education is the single most powerful tool in the world. I also hear hurtful things about me, my parenting, and even my weight (how I need to gain a few pounds, for the record I’m healthy and fit and at a perfect weight). I get assumptions all the time about how because I’m deaf I should be dumb. Have I heard, “He doesn’t look Autistic…” You betcha. It boils down to the ignorance (meant by the true dictionary definition) of the person making the comment.  They simply do not know or understand.

Is raising an Autistic child stressful? Sure. Just look at how we are treated. Look at how anyone with a disability is treated. Time and time again, day in and day out, we are treated like we are less than human, not worthy to be alive or tended to. We cannot get the help we need, the services we deserve.  But that doesn’t mean it’s unbearable or too much to handle. I don’t think raising an Autistic is that hard, frankly. He’s just another kid. (See here.) Able and capable of doing what all other NT kids can do. We just do things differently. Our routines are different. Our needs are different. It certainly isn’t this down-in-the-pits, oh-woe-is-me, horror.

I do not worry about the future. My son will be just fine. He will live where he chooses to live, be it here or his own home, doing whatever he wants to do with his future. He is well loved by so many. Since we are not isolated in any way, socially or geographically, I have no concerns over anyone being around to lend him a hand when he needs it. This holds true whether or not I am here or not. I know he will be ok. I have confidence and faith in him and our circle. After all, we started the foundation to his own self-determination long ago. The seeds of self-advocacy and independence are well planted. What do I need to worry about?

We don’t "suffer" anything. We enjoy life. We are whole, complete, even content. Is it really that hard to believe?