How Dare You?!

I have rage.

It's not often this happens, but tonight, it seems to want to pop out.  I do want to note that this isn't directed at anyone who is on my page.  You guys are awesome and a pillar of support!  I've gotten nothing but love from you and I appreciate it.  This is aimed at people I meet in life.

So here it is, with a trigger for... Well, everything.  I don't usually swear but this has a few choice words in it as well.

I am sick of having my judgement questioned.  I don't give a flying banana about what your ex girlfriend/boyfriend/plaything/neighbor/whatever did with their child 10 years ago that you learned from them.  It has absolutely nothing to do with me or my son.  A lot can happen in 6 months let alone 10 years.  Odds are we have either tried it already or I already know it won't work or it's just plain dangerous (some things are).  After all, I know my son.  I know our story.  For the love of God stop arguing and telling me I'm wrong.

How dare you come in here and assume you are right about everything and I am wrong.  Guess what?  You are wrong.  Just as sometimes I am wrong about things, you are wrong about this.  Don't come barreling in yelling at me about how I don't listen or am a bitch because I don't agree with what you say.  I've been in this game a long time now.  I've been raising him for over 11 years.  Alone and quite successfully I might add.  I've been living with myself for over 31.  I'm listening to the voices that actually matter.  I'm listening to the Autistic adults and children who have so much to say.  I'm listening to myself.

I don't give a damn what some researcher or shiny new therapist says.  They aren't the voices I'm giving all the credit to.  They want to make a name for themselves.  I want peace in my household and in my son's heart.  When an Autistic adult, child, or even my own conscience is telling me, "For the love of all things Holy don't ever do that! Try this instead, it worked for me, maybe it will for you too." I'm listening.  Those are the voices that matter.  Autistic voices are voices for other Autistics.

I'm not going to do anything to intentionally provoke him or cause a meltdown to 'change things up' or 'get him used to it' or 'help his character' or whatever the hell piss arse reason you want to throw at me.  Would you intentionally shoot your mother in the face for no good reason?  Would you hide the keys to your spouse's car to force them to be flexible?  Would you poke and prod at your typical child just to see them cry?  Then why in bloody hell do you want me to do it to my own child?  Yes, I avoid things that trigger him.  Yes, I watch and sometimes cater to his moods.  Isn't that what we all would like?  Who doesn't want to be left alone when they are angry or sad?  Who doesn't want to laugh and run when they are happy or excited?  It's called RESPECT.

Have you noticed how peaceful my house has been for the past several months?  That isn't a coincidence.  That's me taking control and refusing to cater to people who would poke at him, rile him up, then tell him he's wrong for being upset and be 'disappointed' when he can't remember his coping skills.  Seriously, what the hell is that baloney?  Do you think with 100% perfection and clarity when you are angry or upset?  Didn't think so.  Why do you expect it of my adolescent son?

I refuse to sit here and be dictated by a society who wants to fit my son into some predetermined, twisted mold.  I'm so sick and tired of prepping him for how the world will react to him and how he can 'fit in' with his peers and look 'normal'.  Who the bejeebes is actually normal anyway?  Talk about one hell of a subjective concept!  How about we change your laugh from a titter to a good old fashioned guffaw?  Maybe we'll train you to cut your spaghetti up instead of twirling it on your fork and slurping it?  No, don't talk with your hands!  You better sit on them so you don't 'stick out.'  Oh, I know.  We'll teach you that if you don't wash your hair before washing your body then you simply are not doing the steps properly.  Sound foolish?  It should.

For the love of clouds, society needs to buck up and accept him for who he is, exactly how he is, whether they like it or not.  Let's face it, he is one hell of a rocking awesome kid!  I refuse to squash that!  I spent over 30 years trying to fit what society expected of me and it damn near KILLED me.  I'll be damned if I'm forced to make my son do the same thing.  Especially since he was so close to where I was to begin with.  He will not suffer what I had to suffer while there is still breath in my body.  Fuck 'polite society' and their wishes.  There is nothing polite about them.

Let's recap.

Don't tell me I'm wrong.
Don't judge me, and while you are at it, get over your own ego.
I'm listening to the voices that really matter.
He will be forced into some cookie cutter statue molded by the (not so) polite society over my dead body.
I find it no small coincidence that when I listen to my heart and the voices that matter, those are the times when my household is the most at peace and we are our happiest.
RESPECT who we are.

Acceptance.  Period.  It doesn't involve ifs, ands, or buts.  Only love of the person for who they truly are.

No Island Here...

There is an article floating about from HuffPo about things that an Autism parent will never say. (You can see it here.)  At first I didn’t really know what to make of it. I still really don’t.  In the article it talked about how stressful raising an Autistic child is and how lonely.  It said parents are peacekeepers from everyone to the family to school to complete strangers.  It claims we are isolated as parents of Autistic children.  It talks about hurtful comments.

It gives the impression that it is all inclusive, that all parents feel that way.

I don’t.

Maybe I don’t have guilt over meeting my son’s needs because I only have him.  I am able to devote my time to him without “worrying” over “unfair” treatment to siblings.  My issue with this claim is really simple: empirical research suggests otherwise.  Research shows that NT siblings are enriched by their lives with their SN sibling, not hampered by it. They are more open and understanding of those who are disabled and more likely to help their peers.  They also harbor no ill will towards their SN sibling for any reason.  Imagine that: NT siblings of SN children RECOGNIZE that they are simply different in what they need and support how things happen at home. They get it and understand it. They also often grow up to help support their siblings in their adult life, making sure they have what they need.  So, why would parents need to harbor this “guilt”?

I’m not a peacekeeper. I don’t try to make everyone happy nor do I care to. I don’t have the time or energy for that. Frankly, I don’t give a rat’s arse what some stranger in the supermarket thinks of us. It doesn’t really affect me if they are that shallow and judgey. We don’t know them. It’s a reflection of them and their character, not us or ours. Our life will go on as usual. I don’t “try not to look bothered.” I’m NOT bothered.  I also will not be a peacekeeper at school. That’s just straight up push-over nonsense.  I will not allow ANYONE to walk all over me. I will not appease them to make them happy. It’s their task to make me happy. Plain and simple. If your school isn’t making you happy, get a lawyer, learn your rights. I also don’t try to keep peace in my family or with my friends. If they can’t respect my views and how I do things, then we will spend our time with someone who accepts us as we are. We won’t be run over by anyone because they are “offended” or upset by something we do. (Thankfully this isn’t anything I really have to deal with.)

Maybe that author is isolated, but I sure as hell am not.  You see, I put effort into my relationships with family and friends to maintain them and keep their value.  Do I compromise myself in the process? No. Just read my last paragraph.  For every one person who has dropped out of our lives we have gained 10 or more who are more than happy to share our lives. My friends and family have all done what they can to learn about my son so that they can support us however they can. We have some real people of value in our lives. I have also found my way into a larger community of people who share my experiences and are also raising an Autistic child (or 2).  I have never felt isolated.  I never will. I also don’t like the author’s assumption that my son isn’t part of the social world. He has friends. He loves people. He’ll chat the ear off anyone he knows. He plays with and shares interests with his friends at school.  We are also very close. We are not “isolated” as if we are two strangers living in the same house. My son will find a way to talk to me.  Communication is not always speech. He’ll write. He’ll draw. He’ll create. He tells me everything. Sorry, no isolation or lack of social interaction here.

Do I hear stupid things in regards to my son being Autistic? Sure. But it’s a teachable moment. Education is the single most powerful tool in the world. I also hear hurtful things about me, my parenting, and even my weight (how I need to gain a few pounds, for the record I’m healthy and fit and at a perfect weight). I get assumptions all the time about how because I’m deaf I should be dumb. Have I heard, “He doesn’t look Autistic…” You betcha. It boils down to the ignorance (meant by the true dictionary definition) of the person making the comment.  They simply do not know or understand.

Is raising an Autistic child stressful? Sure. Just look at how we are treated. Look at how anyone with a disability is treated. Time and time again, day in and day out, we are treated like we are less than human, not worthy to be alive or tended to. We cannot get the help we need, the services we deserve.  But that doesn’t mean it’s unbearable or too much to handle. I don’t think raising an Autistic is that hard, frankly. He’s just another kid. (See here.) Able and capable of doing what all other NT kids can do. We just do things differently. Our routines are different. Our needs are different. It certainly isn’t this down-in-the-pits, oh-woe-is-me, horror.

I do not worry about the future. My son will be just fine. He will live where he chooses to live, be it here or his own home, doing whatever he wants to do with his future. He is well loved by so many. Since we are not isolated in any way, socially or geographically, I have no concerns over anyone being around to lend him a hand when he needs it. This holds true whether or not I am here or not. I know he will be ok. I have confidence and faith in him and our circle. After all, we started the foundation to his own self-determination long ago. The seeds of self-advocacy and independence are well planted. What do I need to worry about?

We don’t "suffer" anything. We enjoy life. We are whole, complete, even content. Is it really that hard to believe?