Wednesday, June 18, 2014

How Dare You?!

I have rage.

It's not often this happens, but tonight, it seems to want to pop out.  I do want to note that this isn't directed at anyone who is on my page.  You guys are awesome and a pillar of support!  I've gotten nothing but love from you and I appreciate it.  This is aimed at people I meet in life.

So here it is, with a trigger for... Well, everything.  I don't usually swear but this has a few choice words in it as well.

I am sick of having my judgement questioned.  I don't give a flying banana about what your ex girlfriend/boyfriend/plaything/neighbor/whatever did with their child 10 years ago that you learned from them.  It has absolutely nothing to do with me or my son.  A lot can happen in 6 months let alone 10 years.  Odds are we have either tried it already or I already know it won't work or it's just plain dangerous (some things are).  After all, I know my son.  I know our story.  For the love of God stop arguing and telling me I'm wrong.

How dare you come in here and assume you are right about everything and I am wrong.  Guess what?  You are wrong.  Just as sometimes I am wrong about things, you are wrong about this.  Don't come barreling in yelling at me about how I don't listen or am a bitch because I don't agree with what you say.  I've been in this game a long time now.  I've been raising him for over 11 years.  Alone and quite successfully I might add.  I've been living with myself for over 31.  I'm listening to the voices that actually matter.  I'm listening to the Autistic adults and children who have so much to say.  I'm listening to myself.

I don't give a damn what some researcher or shiny new therapist says.  They aren't the voices I'm giving all the credit to.  They want to make a name for themselves.  I want peace in my household and in my son's heart.  When an Autistic adult, child, or even my own conscience is telling me, "For the love of all things Holy don't ever do that! Try this instead, it worked for me, maybe it will for you too." I'm listening.  Those are the voices that matter.  Autistic voices are voices for other Autistics.

I'm not going to do anything to intentionally provoke him or cause a meltdown to 'change things up' or 'get him used to it' or 'help his character' or whatever the hell piss arse reason you want to throw at me.  Would you intentionally shoot your mother in the face for no good reason?  Would you hide the keys to your spouse's car to force them to be flexible?  Would you poke and prod at your typical child just to see them cry?  Then why in bloody hell do you want me to do it to my own child?  Yes, I avoid things that trigger him.  Yes, I watch and sometimes cater to his moods.  Isn't that what we all would like?  Who doesn't want to be left alone when they are angry or sad?  Who doesn't want to laugh and run when they are happy or excited?  It's called RESPECT.

Have you noticed how peaceful my house has been for the past several months?  That isn't a coincidence.  That's me taking control and refusing to cater to people who would poke at him, rile him up, then tell him he's wrong for being upset and be 'disappointed' when he can't remember his coping skills.  Seriously, what the hell is that baloney?  Do you think with 100% perfection and clarity when you are angry or upset?  Didn't think so.  Why do you expect it of my adolescent son?

I refuse to sit here and be dictated by a society who wants to fit my son into some predetermined, twisted mold.  I'm so sick and tired of prepping him for how the world will react to him and how he can 'fit in' with his peers and look 'normal'.  Who the bejeebes is actually normal anyway?  Talk about one hell of a subjective concept!  How about we change your laugh from a titter to a good old fashioned guffaw?  Maybe we'll train you to cut your spaghetti up instead of twirling it on your fork and slurping it?  No, don't talk with your hands!  You better sit on them so you don't 'stick out.'  Oh, I know.  We'll teach you that if you don't wash your hair before washing your body then you simply are not doing the steps properly.  Sound foolish?  It should.

For the love of clouds, society needs to buck up and accept him for who he is, exactly how he is, whether they like it or not.  Let's face it, he is one hell of a rocking awesome kid!  I refuse to squash that!  I spent over 30 years trying to fit what society expected of me and it damn near KILLED me.  I'll be damned if I'm forced to make my son do the same thing.  Especially since he was so close to where I was to begin with.  He will not suffer what I had to suffer while there is still breath in my body.  Fuck 'polite society' and their wishes.  There is nothing polite about them.

Let's recap.

Don't tell me I'm wrong.
Don't judge me, and while you are at it, get over your own ego.
I'm listening to the voices that really matter.
He will be forced into some cookie cutter statue molded by the (not so) polite society over my dead body.
I find it no small coincidence that when I listen to my heart and the voices that matter, those are the times when my household is the most at peace and we are our happiest.
RESPECT who we are.

Acceptance.  Period.  It doesn't involve ifs, ands, or buts.  Only love of the person for who they truly are.

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Why the Hate?

Every June around Father's Day I see something I never see around Mother's Day: dad hate.

It always gets to me.  I can't understand how women - moms - can harbor such hate towards someone who is simply absent.  There's an amazing amount of resentment being flashed about as if some great injustice has been served.

I'm lost on just where exactly this injustice is.  It appears dads don't feel the same way.  Or at least have the decency to keep harsh judgement to themselves.

As you all know I cut ties with Sparky's father around the time he turned two due to some reprehensible comments he made around that time that were deserving of my withdrawal for my son's protection.  We still have not spoken since and he has certainly not shown any interest in the kiddo's life.

If anyone deserves condemnation it's this guy...  He dragged me through the wringer, levying threats against me and the baby like he was discussing the weather, even threatening my mother.  He is the lowest of the low.  So much so that the courts revoked his rights.  That's pretty damn bad...

Yet you won't hear me condemn him or wish him ill will.  It's pretty obvious he was in a place where he was not ready for the thought of having a child even though he was approaching his mid-20s.  That's ok.  That doesn't earn him any forgiveness for what he said (for there is nothing that will ease danger of having your child's life threatened) but it doesn't mean I will sit around and bash him at every opportunity either.  I have certainly never said a mean word about him around the kiddo, even after Sparky realized that he really did have a father (thanks to the school...).  I simply told Sparky that he had no interest being a father to him, and that was that.  All Sparky had to really say about it is that it was "ok" because he didn't think he was missing out on anything anyway.  And he certainly isn't!

Many of these moms that I see bashing the father of their children all have men who ARE PART of their children's lives.  This boggles my mind....  As a mom with a dad who is 100% absent I just can't wrap my head around it.  How can they be so mean and upset with someone who CHOSE to stick around and help raise their children with someone who is apparently ungrateful and unforgiving of them?  These are dads who try to do what is best for their children but are stomped on and foiled every step of the way by women who are seemingly out to seek revenge.

I don't get it.  If your children's father is trying to be an active part of their lives and actually be a dad to them, why stop them?  Why make it hard for them?  Just because the two of you didn't work out for whatever reason (and the reason really is quite irrelevant when it comes to caring for your children) doesn't mean he can't be the awesome dad anyone would want their kids to have.  Period.  Remember, at one time you did think they were worthy.

Fortunately, I do have a couple (literally a couple) friends who apparently see the way I do.  Their ex is a less than desirable human being to them and they were greatly wronged, but they recognize that their ex is one hell of a dad to their children and embrace them being around.  I salute their clarity.

Even if it is just for one day, why not stop to take a moment to appreciate all that your children's father does for them (and you).  Take a moment to be grateful that they actually WANT to be a part of your kiddos lives and care enough to make the effort.  To me, these guys deserve an award because they go up against every stereotype and do their best to break down the barriers to be there for their children.

So here is my call to action for you moms: for one day, appreciate all that he does, even if you loathe his very presence, appreciate and be grateful for the mere fact that he is willing to do what he can, however he can, to be there.  It doesn't matter if it fits your mold of the quantity of time or the frequency of his visits.  Just appreciate that at least sometimes he is there.  You'd be shocked at how far a little gratitude and genuine thankfulness can go.