Sunday, June 15, 2014

Why the Hate?

Every June around Father's Day I see something I never see around Mother's Day: dad hate.

It always gets to me.  I can't understand how women - moms - can harbor such hate towards someone who is simply absent.  There's an amazing amount of resentment being flashed about as if some great injustice has been served.

I'm lost on just where exactly this injustice is.  It appears dads don't feel the same way.  Or at least have the decency to keep harsh judgement to themselves.

As you all know I cut ties with Sparky's father around the time he turned two due to some reprehensible comments he made around that time that were deserving of my withdrawal for my son's protection.  We still have not spoken since and he has certainly not shown any interest in the kiddo's life.

If anyone deserves condemnation it's this guy...  He dragged me through the wringer, levying threats against me and the baby like he was discussing the weather, even threatening my mother.  He is the lowest of the low.  So much so that the courts revoked his rights.  That's pretty damn bad...

Yet you won't hear me condemn him or wish him ill will.  It's pretty obvious he was in a place where he was not ready for the thought of having a child even though he was approaching his mid-20s.  That's ok.  That doesn't earn him any forgiveness for what he said (for there is nothing that will ease danger of having your child's life threatened) but it doesn't mean I will sit around and bash him at every opportunity either.  I have certainly never said a mean word about him around the kiddo, even after Sparky realized that he really did have a father (thanks to the school...).  I simply told Sparky that he had no interest being a father to him, and that was that.  All Sparky had to really say about it is that it was "ok" because he didn't think he was missing out on anything anyway.  And he certainly isn't!

Many of these moms that I see bashing the father of their children all have men who ARE PART of their children's lives.  This boggles my mind....  As a mom with a dad who is 100% absent I just can't wrap my head around it.  How can they be so mean and upset with someone who CHOSE to stick around and help raise their children with someone who is apparently ungrateful and unforgiving of them?  These are dads who try to do what is best for their children but are stomped on and foiled every step of the way by women who are seemingly out to seek revenge.

I don't get it.  If your children's father is trying to be an active part of their lives and actually be a dad to them, why stop them?  Why make it hard for them?  Just because the two of you didn't work out for whatever reason (and the reason really is quite irrelevant when it comes to caring for your children) doesn't mean he can't be the awesome dad anyone would want their kids to have.  Period.  Remember, at one time you did think they were worthy.

Fortunately, I do have a couple (literally a couple) friends who apparently see the way I do.  Their ex is a less than desirable human being to them and they were greatly wronged, but they recognize that their ex is one hell of a dad to their children and embrace them being around.  I salute their clarity.

Even if it is just for one day, why not stop to take a moment to appreciate all that your children's father does for them (and you).  Take a moment to be grateful that they actually WANT to be a part of your kiddos lives and care enough to make the effort.  To me, these guys deserve an award because they go up against every stereotype and do their best to break down the barriers to be there for their children.

So here is my call to action for you moms: for one day, appreciate all that he does, even if you loathe his very presence, appreciate and be grateful for the mere fact that he is willing to do what he can, however he can, to be there.  It doesn't matter if it fits your mold of the quantity of time or the frequency of his visits.  Just appreciate that at least sometimes he is there.  You'd be shocked at how far a little gratitude and genuine thankfulness can go. 

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