The time had come...

Several years ago I had taken my son to the Children's Hospital in Pittsburgh to get a second opinion/evaluation on his diagnosis.  It was a long tedious visit as my mother and I sat through many evaluations, filled out forms, and moved from waiting room to waiting room inbetween.  At the time I was offered medication for him to help combat some of his hyperactivity and because "many Autistics simply benefited from it." I ran.  The psychologist told me that if I ever wanted to consider the medication to let her know and bring him back.

The hell that was going to happen, right?

So here I sit, 4 years later.  He can't focus.  He's bouncing off the walls.  He has major impulse control issues.  He knows something is wrong and wants to be 'fixed'.  It's affecting his every day interactions and his ability to work at school.  Sigh.  The time had come.

So last May I called his pediatrician's office.  They sent me the forms I was already so familiar with.  I filled them out.  So did my mom, my fiance and his AS teachers at the school.  The end result was confirmation of what the psychologist told me 4 years prior, he has ADHD.

Last night I went and picked up the medication.  Let's just say 'mixed feelings' doesn't even begin to describe how I feel.  Four years ago I ran with the argument that he's 5, he's a boy, he need to run and play and be a normal kid.  Watching him over the last year has been extremely difficult.  I can no longer use that argument.  I can handle all the items that got broken.  The bumps, the bruises.  What I can't handle are the meltdowns and requests to be fixed.  The endless energy that sends him literally bouncing from one wall to the next.  Him crying over there being something wrong with him and needing a new brain.

He has been kept up to speed on what the doctor's visits were about and what the medication is for.  He has been anxious to start it.  He is aware that it is supposed to help calm him down and allow him to focus better.  When we got home last night and counted the pudding he wanted to take it right then.  (He can't, he has to take it in the morning before breakfast. Since he can't swallow pills we have capsules that I have to open up and put in something he'll eat.)  I then sat down to look at the information sheets.  Within the first couple words were "sudden death."  I near fainted...  Not what a mom wants to see, you know?  But I sat there and kept repeating that it only happens in people with heart problems and he had a normal EKG.  Something I am still repeating to myself today...

Needless to say this morning the first thing he thought of was the pudding.

It's been a couple hours since he has taken it and he is just fine.  I feel a little better.  But I can't help watching his every move.