He's Back!

Oh my... So much to stay and no clue where to start.  But that's a good thing right?  The last four months have been pretty busy in this little household.

We struggled a lot over the winter months with the kiddo.  His behavior and mental state was sliding backwards at rapid pace.  In desperation I called a specialized psychiatric facility in a city two hours away begging for help.

And help came. Oh boy did help come...  The kiddo was to the point where he was bleeding daily from scratches he inflicted to his face.  He was constantly biting himself.  Always upset.  The slightest thing in the wind would set him off.  He didn't see the future.  He was convinced he was going to die.  I didn't know what to do.  I cried.  A lot.  Where was my happy boy?

The call to the Autism Unit changed everything.  I called in mid-February but I had to wait over a month for an appointment.  I was hoping for sooner but I was taking what I could get.  On a Friday not even a week later I received a call from them, they had a cancellation for that Monday, did I want it?  Oh, hell yeah!  I got off work and we were on our way!

The appointment was just a starter appointment so to speak, nothing more than an intake but the psych we met with took two hours to thoroughly go over everything with us.  Every last little bit of history, every issue, every thing.  They set us up with an appointment to meet with the psych he was going to see for med management.  I felt pretty good after that.  FINALLY someone was listening to me.  Someone was actually HEARING what I had to say.  Someone was going to HELP.

About 4 weeks ago, we traveled the two hours to meet with this psych.  He was AMAZING.  He actually spoke to the kiddo, on his level, one on one, and LISTENED to him even when he went off on a story tangent.  Truly listened.  Grandma went with us and between us and the kiddo we were able to cover and remember everything we needed to.  This appointment was the best I have ever been to...
The scariest part of the whole thing was this:  The psych kept asking me the same question over and over and over.  He kept asking me what meds my son was on and at what dosage.  In the hour we were with him he asked at least five times.  It never really struck me why until the end of the appointment.

He turned to me and said: I don't know why your son is on those medications.  That is not what they are used for.  The side effect of the one is drowsiness but it's not an actual sleep aid and the other medication is a secondary medication, it's not used for what he's using it for and it's being administered wrong anyway to have any effect.

Umm... What???  So, basically the kiddo was placed on the WRONG meds at the WRONG schedule for the WRONG reasons and had been on these meds for almost two years causing him serious weight gain.

Well no wonder it wasn't helping!!!!!  The psych up here in our hometown spent his time yelling at me because he really WAS incompetent and didn't want me to do anything about it!

I rarely swear on here but jeebus that guy can seriously go fuck himself....  Anyone who is going to give a child the wrong stuff... Well, let's say there's a special place in the 9th circle of hell for their kind.... (He didn't like me as it was because I told him he could essentially shove it every one of the 300 or so times he wanted to place the kiddo on Risperdal. NO THANKS!)

The new psych set up the kiddo on a new med schedule.  We started with the anxiety issue (to change only one thing at a time) and he was placed on a real anxiety medication.

Holy crap I can't even tell you the turn around we saw....  He started smiling.  He started laughing.  He started playing.  For the first time in YEARS he wanted to go outside and play.  He told me he could see the future now (how low must he have felt to make that statement? :'( ).  I essentially have my kiddo back.  The kiddo I have not seen in FIVE YEARS.  I wish I was kidding.  I wish I was exaggerating.

I have my boy back.  I knew he was in there somewhere.  I knew it.  I had to fight, for years, to find someone to listen to me to get him back.  The school has noticed and his teachers tell me how much they love this new kiddo (they loved him before but this non-stop smiling kiddo is just so wonderful to see) and how well he's doing.

He's approaching people!  He's introducing himself!  He's engaging with his peers!  He thinks he's the smartest kid ever!  He's realized he CAN control his body!  He's realizing that happiness really is possible!

I knew he was in there.  I couldn't give up hope that someday we'd be able to pull him back out so he can be the fun loving kiddo we always knew he was.

We see the psych again on Friday.  I can't wait to go.  Things can only go up from here.  Honestly, after this whole post anything else I have to share seems so small, so inconsequential that it just doesn't matter.

The only thing that matters is that I have my kiddo back.  This summer promises to be a good one now.  Oh the things we can do!!

Other things that have happened? Well... Um... We went to visit his favorite aunt (Aunt C) for Easter and he didn't perseverate on the house burning down or what would happen to the cats (how HUGE is that?!?!?!?!?!).  I'm less than two weeks from graduating with my Masters in Special Ed (I know right?!?).  And um... My house is actually clean.

Yeah.  None of that is nearly as exciting has the happy, playful, social-without-prompts, can-see-his-future-now, kiddo that has returned to me. :)

Stepping from Drama Infested Waters

I haven't been on my page or my blog much lately for many reasons (some of which are updates I'll place in another post).  I apologize that I have been largely neglecting the page and blog.  I've been taking a Facebook break over the past few months.

A much needed Facebook break...

I can't even begin to tell you the amount of drama I missed as a result and how much better my life is for it.  (I had people unfriending me for my mere association with people they suddenly took exception with so... Yeah. There's that.)  My personal newsfeed was beginning to look a lot like the tabloids at the check out line of the grocery store: drama, drama, and look more drama!  It was getting to a point where I couldn't keep up and in my efforts to try and keep up and calm people and figure things out some pretty important things were falling by the wayside. Namely grad school, but also it was taking away time with the kiddo and and distracting me at work.  It was a huge source of stress for me.

A total no go for me.

So I stepped back.

Ok, I took a giant leap back.  My Facebook habit has now been broken and I'm ok with that. I post just enough that people know I'm still alive (once a day or so, mostly pictures shared off my Instagram and through my phone) but I really don't read through my newsfeed anymore.  I take a look at a couple of the top stories and move on.  Thankfully my top stories have shifted from the drama infested folks I know to people who matter a little more.  They know who they are since I interact with them almost daily.  That doesn't mean no one else is important (and I don't always comment or like so it may be hard to tell), it's just that Facebook has weeded the worst of them out of my top stories for one reason or another.  This has cleaned up my newsfeed considerably and made returning for periodic check-ins far more manageable.

I really was never one for drama.  If you are unhappy with your life, then change it.  Despite whatever people think, it really is that simple.  The constant griping about hating one's relationship one day and being madly in love the next, the "oh woe is me" left and right, the complaints about not liking one's job/boss/coworker, the posts that were so ridiculous sappy you knew they were fake, etc was really wearing me out.  And you know what? It had to be wearing them out to be so negative.

When did adults become such children?  I just don't get it.  This is behavior I would expect from the kiddos I teach, not adults in their 30s and beyond.  I seriously have days where I think the Kindergarteners act better.  It's really disheartening. 

I'm generally a positive person and try to see the good things.  I don't like misery and certainly won't go looking for it.  My personal page became a place of misery so I had to retreat.  Over the last 4 months of sitting by and watching when I did log in, I've been able to do a lot of thinking and got the opportunity to see who was missing me.  Turns out there are quite a few and you know what?  They can all be found in the top stories section of my newsfeed.  Coincidence? I think not.

I guess Facebook does know what it's doing sometimes.  It may keep people from seeing the page for this blog, but in a way, it's also helping me see the folks I need to see.  My positive friends who understand me, my kiddo, and will go looking for me if I vanish.

As time goes on I slowly start creeping back in and interacting more.  I'm getting a little more free time and things are going extremely well in our corner (update to come).  I promise to be back more soon- over the summer and it promises to be a great one! :)  Thank you for bearing with me, I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for all of you faithfully standing by! <3